Self-Confidence | Monique Tallon

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6 Ways to Build Boundaries & Get More Recognition at Work

February 15, 2021/in Career, Coaching, Positive Psychology, Self-Confidence /by Monique Tallon

One of the more challenging aspects I’ve encountered both personally and professionally with the women I coach, is the ability to hold steadfast to our boundaries. Whether it’s saying no to a request by a co-worker or manager, or turning down a project that’s just not challenging enough, a lot of us find it challenging to say no and end up people pleasing and accommodating.

The reason for why we do this is simple – we just want to fit in. We just want to belong. It’s what Brene Brown talks about when she discusses the feelings of shame and inadequacy that lead us to do things just to feel accepted and liked by others. Turns out, according to her research, we as humans are wired towards togetherness – we want to feel included by our tribe. As women in the workplace, there’s yet another layer to this – most of us feel like we have to work harder to prove our value and worth so we end up taking on more work just to make sure others know we belong in the role or position we’re in.

This need for acceptance, belonging and the fear of shame or being left out of the tribe is what oftentimes leads us to bending our boundaries. The downside of that is that we aren’t strong in our “No” and oftentimes not only do we feel resentful afterwards, we end up betraying ourselves and our own values along with it, which makes us feel lousy anyway.

In a workplace context, this could also result in overwhelm and an inability to find a healthy work/life balance. Many times we end up taking on “office housework” or menial tasks so we can somehow convince others that we are superwomen and able to do it all. We make the incorrect assumption that we’ll be handsomely rewarded for this effort – when most of the time these efforts go totally unnoticed and we end up feeling unappreciated.

A lot of times women who are on the “Nice girl” side of the Leadership Tightrope end up saying yes to everything that is asked of them. They want to be liked by everyone and therefore bite off more than they can chew. The problem with this is that when we do this, we end up taking on tasks that don’t position us to develop or grow in our careers. Instead of taking on new projects or responsibilities that will stretch us and grow our skillset, we end up getting stuck planning team events or taking notes during meetings. None of this shouts “promotion material” and here’s the honest truth – no one has ever received a promotion just because they planned amazing office parties.

To change this, we need to learn to say no by first shifting our own perspective. As we value ourselves more, when we believe in our creativity, resourcefulness, intelligence and see ourselves as fully capable, we are able to ask others to value us more firmly in return.

Here are 6 tips I recommend to help you set and stick to boundaries so you can take on more meaningful work and help you get the recognition you deserve.

1. Value Yourself, Your Contributions and Own Your Gifts

Start with making a list of all the value you bring to the table – all your positive qualities, gifts, talents and expertise. Put that list somewhere prominent and refer back to it each day. Begin acknowledging yourself for your achievements and give yourself the praise you’re searching for externally. Being able to value yourself is the first step in being able to set strong boundaries. When we own our gifts and abilities, we can then let go of having to prove ourselves to others and it becomes easier to gracefully say no when necessary.

2. Pay Close Attention to Your Body

Our bodies are constantly sending us messages about our environment, the people around us and the situations we find ourselves in. If there is something that you don’t really want to do, your body will tell you – but you need to pay close attention.

Stress and anxiety can affect your body in noticeable ways.

For example if your body is rebelling, that means that you’ve said yes too much. Pay attention to your stomach pain, fatigue or a scratchy throat, these are the signs that saying no may be the right choice. Get comfortable with checking in with your body – practicing putting your attention and awareness on your bodily sensations and feelings throughout the day to make it a habit. Once we learn to trust our body’s signals, it can make it much easier to decide when we need to say no to something that doesn’t feel right.

3. Take Your Time Before Reaching a Decision

Oftentimes we feel like we need to give people an answer right away. Don’t rush to say yes immediately when you are unsure (aiming not to hurt anybody). Instead just say you’ll think about it or let them know you’ll get back to them in a few hours or even in a day. It’s easier to reject politely the next day.

4. Practice Saying No More Often

Start small. And little by little you will feel comfortable with your fair decisions. By getting into the rhythm of declining small tasks more regularly, you’ll get used to understanding where your boundaries lie. Here is a respectful way of saying no.

“I really appreciate that you thought of me for this project, but I have a few other commitments on my plate right now so I don’t think I’m the right person. Perhaps try asking Greg down the hall?

5. Keep in Mind – it’s not Personal

As people pleasers, most of the time we’re afraid of hurting the others’ feelings and worry that they might not think of us positively if we say no to them. But most of the time, people aren’t going to take your rejection personally – especially in a business context. Begin telling yourself that your no is not going to hurt this person’s feelings and they are not going to take it personally. Usually what happens is the opposite – many times people start respecting you more when you are honest with them. And if it’s a task that you would rather not do anyway, after a few rejections, they’ll probably stop asking you!

6. Begin Asking for Stretch Assignments

Now that you’re more comfortable saying no, it’s time to begin to say YES! Think about assignments, projects, skills or tasks that will stretch you, help you grow and challenge you. Envision where you want to be in 1, 2, 3 years and speak to your supervisor about what type of projects you can take on that will help you build the skills to get there. These types of “stretch” assignments not only will help position you for that promotion you’re aiming for, but it will prove to your peers and your manager that you’re proactive and ready to take on more. The more responsibility you have, the more visibility you get, which only elevates you in the eyes of those that make the decisions of who gets promoted.

Good boundaries free you | Sarri Gilman | TEDxSnoIsleLibraries

Covid19: 10 Tips for Staying Productive and Mentally Healthy While You’re Working From Home

March 25, 2020/in Future of Work, Management, Self-Confidence, Women in Business, Women Supporting Women, Work/Life Balance, Workplace /by Monique Tallon

By now all of us have been impacted in some way by the COVID-19 pandemic. Our lives have temporarily changed, however drastically, in order to collectively fight against this dangerous epidemic. This is requiring all of us to change our behaviors, make tough decisions and think about alternative ways to stay productive. It’s also requiring us to step into self-leadership to be able to keep ourselves safe and at the same time make sure we are helping our friends, family and co-workers handle this challenging time with more grace and ease.

In order to do that, I’ve created a quick check-list to help you care for your mental, emotional, and spiritual well-being and stay productive while staying and working from home.

1. Create a separate workspace

Many of us are having to share our living space with multiple family members during this period of self-quarantine. If you’re like me, having your own space and privacy is super important to your sanity. While having your own space may not be entirely possible, you can carve out a specific space in your home that is dedicated to you. You can use this as your workspace if you are working from home or an area where you can go to reflect, meditate or chill out. Let your family members know it’s important for your well-being and productivity to have this clearly defined space and request that they respect the area by keeping it clean.

2. Create a Weekly & Daily Plan (and stick to it!)

For many people, working from home for an extended period of time is a new experience and it can be daunting to get into a routine and not fall into the trap of watching Netflix for hours on end. Add in having to care for children, homeschool, cook and clean and it might feel like you are working two full time jobs (which most working mom’s have been feeling for decades!). It’s important to get into a regular routine and have a weekly and daily calendar for yourself and for your household chores, including your children’s school schedule. On a Sunday afternoon, map out your plan for the week and then block out chunks of time on your calendar for all the various tasks you need to get through each day. Don’t forget to schedule time for exercise, meditation and fun!

3. Utilize Technology and Discover New Apps

There are virtually endless technological solutions to keep us connected, productive and happy! Here are some of my recent favorites that are helping me stay on track:

Zoom: Online Conferencing technology to help you conduct meetings, webinars, classes or a virtual happy hour with your friends!

Calendly: Schedule virtual meetings, phone dates, or other appointments easily. You can block out dates/times with your availability and send out links for others to automatically schedule a meeting with you.

Krisp: A new noise-cancelling technology that blocks out background noise while you’re on a conference call.

Happify: An app to help you reduce stress or negative thoughts and build skills for a healthy life with fun activities and games.

Insight Timer: An app where you can learn how to meditate, cope with anxiety, manage stress and improve your sleep

4. Discover & Learn New Skills

If you’ve been thinking about learning a new skill, this is a great time to take advantage of having some down time to dedicate to self-improvement. There are endless resources and distance learning courses available to develop virtually any new skill, many which are free! If you’re into professional development, LinkedIn Learning has a great repository of online classes you can take to improve your communication skills, learn how to work remotely or brush up that resume. If you’re into personal development or interested in spiritual development, MindValley offers great classes on meditation, breathwork, and similar topics. My recent fave is the MasterClass series that offers online classes with celebrities where you can learn how to cook with the world’s most famous chef, Massimo Botturo or take an acting class by Helen Mirren. If you’re interested in developing more self-confidence, check out my new Beat the Bully Course I recently released to help you build the confidence you need to reach your goals!

5. Make Money Online

If you’ve been laid off you’re or worried about getting laid off due to the coronavirus epidemic, fear not! You probably have a skill that you can transfer online by teaching others through platforms like UpWork and Fiverr that connect freelance workers with potential employers. Now more than ever, companies will be hiring remote customer service workers and industries such as technology that already see a wide gap in skilled IT professionals are going to search for new talent. If you don’t have the skills necessary, then use this time to gain the knowledge to make yourself relevant in the future job market. Or think about developing an online course that you can sell on Udemy or elsewhere. Don’t let fear immobilize you – make a plan on how to adapt to the changing job market (which was going to happen with or without this pandemic according to recent studies).

6. Prioritize Self-Care

These are stressful times calling us to step up and prioritize self-care. This crisis is forcing us to slow down, look within, and really re-examine whether being stuck in the rat race has been serving us. While it may be stressful to have to homeschool your kids, isn’t it great that you can spend some quality time with your kids and take more interest in their development? Practicing gratitude is one of the best ways we can keep a positive mental attitude and see the bright side of where we currently find ourselves. Make sure you are scheduling time to move your body, exercise and practice yoga and meditation – remember it’s about mind-body-spirit balance! I myself have been enjoying PopSugar’s Latin Dance workouts in my living room which I find is the best home workout (and the great part is nobody can see how bad my moves are!)

7. Avoid Feeling Isolated

During this time of imposed quarantine, it’s easy to feel isolated especially if you live alone. So it’s more important than ever to find ways to connect that are healthy for you. Limit your daily dose of news and social media to keep your stress levels down. Opt instead to read a good book, do some journaling, or set up a virtual happy hour with your friends! Share your gifts with the world whether that’s reading a poem you’ve written, giving a private concert or doing a nine hour DJ set like D-Nice has been doing from his living room which even broke the internet and went viral! Reach out to friends you haven’t spoken to for a long time, coordinate a virtual lunch hour with your teammates or participate in one of the many online webinars and events taking place.

8. Practice Leading Gracefully

Now is the time to practice selflessness and to give back by helping others. If you have an idea you think will help, make a plan, ask for help and see it through. Find ways to volunteer (safely) by delivering food to an elderly neighbor, share your provisions if you a stocked pantry, or start a fundraising campaign to help your community. Fight for the rights of the vulnerable and realize that if you are in a position of privilege, you have an obligation to help those not as fortunate as you. It is not time to blame, point fingers or give into feelings of helplessness or hopelessness. You are always at choice as to how to react in any given situation and you can choose leading with kindness and empathy over selfishness at any moment.

9. Practice Art Therapy

Art therapy is a well-known technique to help soothe the nerves, work through emotions and express

yourself creatively. If you’re like me and have no idea where to start, watch a free Intro to Art Therapy video on Youtube that can guide you through the steps. No supplies? No problem – all you need is some paper and a pencil. You can also ask your kids to share their art supplies with you. Better yet, why not co-create a painting with your children?! Find fun ways to tap into your creative side and if painting isn’t your thing, try a new recipe, write a poem, or do some outdoor karaoke (it seems to be helping the Italians!).

10. Remind Yourself – This Too Shall Pass

It’s easy to give into the fear and anxiety of our current situation and it does require us to all stay vigilant, be responsible and care for the safety of ourselves and others. However, it’s important to remind ourselves that even this challenging time is temporary and we will get through it. Places like China that were hardest hit are now slowly going back to normal life. If we all do our part (like staying indoors!) then we will get out of this situation sooner than later. As the great spiritual teacher the Dalai Lama has said, “Tragedy should be utilized as a source for strength. No matter what difficulties, how painful the experience is, if we lose our hope, that’s the real disaster.”

Hopefully these tips allow you to make the best of the current situation that we all find ourselves in. No matter how long we have to stay in quarantine, we can all use this time to build healthier habits for ourselves and our families that can help us far after we’ve combatted this pandemic. Have some other ideas on how to increase productivity or your well-being during these trying times? Feel free to share them in the comments below!

4 Practical Ways to Build More Self-Confidence for Women in Leadership – Part II

February 7, 2020/in Career, Leadership, Self-Confidence, Women in Leadership /by Monique Tallon

Always remember you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. Christopher Robin

In my last post, we looked at the definition of self-confidence and why it’s so important for women looking to move forward in their careers. If you need more evidence of why confidence is imperative for women, we know that a lack of confidence in millennials can prevent them from entering the workforce. And since they are now the biggest segment of the workforce, it should be in everyone’s interest to ensure these issues are addressed in companies through women’s leadership training through offering leadership development, mentoring and coaching opportunities for up-and-coming female leaders.

In this post, we’ll introduce four practical ways you can begin working on how to gain confidence, build inner strength and be free of that pesky voice that tells you you’re never good enough!

1. Write down the words of your Inner Bully

Now it’s also important to know the primary job of our Inner Bully. The job of our Inner Bully is to keep us safe. It wants to protect us by reminding us of our past failures and limitations so we won’t repeat the same actions that have caused us pain and humiliation in the past. But although it thinks it’s keeping us safe, it’s unaware of the damage it’s doing in the process, especially to our self-confidence. It’s like the operating system on a computer – it runs in the background so you can’t see it but it runs the entire thing.

So how do we control the Inner Bully? We have to update our operating system.

The first step is to identify the voice of our Inner Bully. We are going to bring the Inner Bully into our conscious awareness so we can begin reshaping our beliefs into more positive ones.

Take a moment now to think about your Inner Bully – what does it say to you? What are the words it uses? What is the dialogue? What are those limiting beliefs?

Pick the main one, the one that is usually right there, and jot it down in your journal.

2. Get in touch with your Inner Cheerleader

Now that we have identified the words of our Inner Bully, the next step is to replace those words with the words of our Inner Cheerleader.

Our Inner Cheerleader is the part of us that knows that we are good enough, we are smart enough, capable enough. It is the part of ourselves that is confident. Think about your best friends. Every time you are sad or not feeling particularly confident, you will probably call a close friend or family member and they will remind you of how wonderful you are. And you would do the same in return. What we have to learn to do is to do that same thing for ourselves especially when we notice the Inner Bully becoming loud.

So we are going to get in touch with our Inner Cheerleader as the second step to learning how to boost self-confidence. This exercise is a favorite with women who attend my workshops and keynotes because it helps them immediately connect to their power and authenticity.

To do that, I’m going to ask you to close your eyes for a moment. Bring to mind a peak experience from your past – a moment or a time in your life where you accomplished something big where you felt like you were at the top of the mountain. Really visualize that moment in time and bring it into your mind’s eye.

Think about the qualities you showed up with to reach that moment. Who were you being? What did it take to get there? Think about the qualities that got you there, and who you had to be to get there. What words come to mind?

Open your eyes and write down the words that came to mind. What qualities did you exhibit to reach that moment? Write those down in your journal. Then turn those words into phrases or sentences. These phrases will begin to make up the dialogue of your Inner Cheerleader.

3. Replace the Inner Bully with the Inner Cheerleader

Every time you notice your Inner Bully voice, you’re going to replace it with the words of your Inner Cheerleader from Step #2. I recommend starting out by first:

Keep a tally of every time you hear your Inner Bully getting loud.
Notice how many times a day it speaks to you.
In what situations or contexts does it tend to come up?
Do this for at least one week.

In the second week, begin replacing the words of your Inner Bully with phrases you came up with from your Inner Cheerleader. You’re going to use this confidence building activity by practicing self-compassion and kindness with yourself. You’re going to talk to yourself like you talk to your best friend and it’s going to help you remember how amazing you truly are.

4. Practice Makes Perfect

As you continue to replace the words of your Inner Bully with the words of your Inner Cheerleader you’ll begin to notice the volume of your Inner Bully go down and you’ll be able to turn up the volume of your Inner Cheerleader. Over time the voice of your Inner Cheerleader will become a part of your inner Operating System. But in order for this to become truly a habit, you will need to practice to get good at noticing each time your Inner Bully rears its ugly head!

If you want further exercises to help you practice, check out the additional exercises I’ve developed featured in my book Leading Gracefully.

With realization of one’s own potential and self-confidence in one’s ability, one can build a better world. Dalai Lama

What Results Can You Expect?

I usually recommend at least three to six months to begin noting a shift in your inner dialogue. Be patient and realize that it’s taken you a lifetime to develop an Inner Bully, so it will take some time to undo that programming. But if you approach these exercises with the same dedication and discipline required to lose weight, learn a new language, or develop any habit, you’ll begin to see changes over time. The goal is to eventually turn down the volume on your Inner Bully and turn up the volume on feeling more self-confident, have more self-esteem, and more inner trust.

As you complete these exercises:

What do you notice?
Does your Inner Bully become less loud?
Are you feeling more confident?

Leave your comments in the feed below and share how these tools worked for you!

What is Self-Confidence and Why is It important for Women in Leadership – Part I

February 4, 2020/1 Comment/in Self-Confidence, Women in Leadership /by Monique Tallon

It is confidence in our body, mind and spirits that allow us to keep looking for new adventures. Oprah Winfrey

I speak to audiences of women as part of my day job at Highest Path Global (a boutique firm specializing in building future female leaders), and the one thing I hear all the time are women at all levels in their career dealing with a lack of self-confidence. I am always shocked to see so many hands go up when I ask the question: “how many of you in this room deal with the Imposter Syndrome,” no matter how accomplished, successful or experienced they may be. Luckily, this is one of the main topics of my book, Leading Gracefully: A Woman’s Guide to Confident, Authentic, & Effective Leadership, where I explore this topic in more depth and offer practical exercises and tools to combat the Imposter Syndrome.

For those of you who haven’t read my book, I want to break down why I think self-confidence is critical if you’re aiming to move forward in your career, start a new business, or interested in leveling up in some way in your life or career.

Let’s first start with defining what is self-confidence because you can’t have more of something if you aren’t sure what it really is in the first place.

What is Self-Confidence?

Confidence is what turns thoughts into action. Without it we hold ourselves back. We need it to get into action. And I describe self-confidence in two ways: a belief and a feeling.

Confidence is a belief we can create a successful outcome through our actions. In other words, when we are confident we believe we are good enough, we believe we have value to offer and those beliefs are what leads us to take action, for example to apply for a job, to ask for that promotion or move to another country (like yours truly!).

And confidence is also something we feel in our body – it can be hard to pinpoint, but it’s a feeling we have inside. For some, it could be a feeling of excitement or passion or a feeling of being calm or collected. Confidence is a feeling we experience within ourselves.

So to understand confidence we have to look at both the mind and body for answers.

Why is Confidence So Important?

For a long time there has been a commonly held belief among professional women that if you work hard that it would be enough to get ahead. I want to shatter this myth. The truth is, it is actually NOT enough to just be competent and perform well at your job.

You need to be competent and confident to be successful. You need both!

But many women make the mistake of only focusing on proving themselves through their performance. They forget to take other actions necessary to increase their personal brand and exposure in an organization.

“Once we believe in ourselves, we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight, or any experience that reveals the human spirit.” E.E. Cummings

In order to increase your image and to gain exposure, you need to be able to go out of your comfort zone and build relationships with key decision makers. You need to be able to voice your opinions and speak up at meetings, give presentations and find ways to showcase your achievements. You need to be authentic and gain the trust of others. And here’s the thing: all of these things require you to be confident in yourself.

I know this first hand because I’ve dealt with a very strong Inner Bully myself and have had to overcome a lack of self-confidence and self-esteem to be able to step into my full potential. I used to be so afraid of saying the wrong thing and embarrassing myself, that I would literally just stay quiet during team meetings. My Inner Bully was so loud it would say things like, “You are too young to be in this job,” or “If you speak up, people will realize you’re a fraud.” So I would just sit there, not contributing my ideas and opinions.

And of course this was a self-fulfilling prophecy. The more I stayed quiet, the more people probably thought I had nothing to contribute of value. So my biggest fear actually came through! But it wasn’t because I said the wrong thing, it was because my Inner Bully convinced me that I wasn’t good enough.

Not feeling good enough is the biggest barrier to us following our dreams, making changes in our lives, and contributing our ideas to the world. With this lack of self-confidence, we hold ourselves back and stay stuck in our comfort zone, which eventually leads to feelings of inadequacy, low self-esteem and lack of drive and motivation.

How To Get into Action

In the next post, I share four practical ways you can begin to get a handle on your Inner Bully and start building self-confidence. These are tools I’ve used on myself to overcome my own fears and insecurities as well as with my clients who have all seen huge transformation in their lives and careers. I hope they will be helpful in helping you to improve your self-confidence to have more freedom, pursue your dreams, or take actions in your job that will make you shine in the eyes of others.